Why Shame Is Unhealthy

Shame is something that you are probably used to, but don’t realize it. That is because you, like most other people, see shame as synonymous with guilt (Related Article: Guilt Versus Shame). Knowing the difference between shame and guilt will help you be healthy as you approach your shortcomings in life. Let’s talk about why shame is unhealthy.

Shame Challenges Your Self-Worth

First of all, shame is unhealthy because it challenges our worth and value. Shame would say, “I made a mistake, therefore I am a bad person”. That’s the feeling that comes with it. You start to think that you are a bad person because you make mistakes. Your value has changed somehow because of your imperfections. Given the fact that you are human, you are going to continue to make mistakes. This doesn’t mean you are worth less, but rather that you are human (Related Article: How To Improve Your Self-Esteem Through Self-Talk). 

Solution: Let it be ok that you are imperfect. Making mistakes doesn’t mean you are bad. Watch out for words or phrases like ‘should’ or ‘supposed to’. These are often associated with shame. When you say to yourself, “I should be more patient with my kids”, it’s often shaming. You are only saying this because you aren’t being patient and trying to get yourself to be. The message you are sending is, “You are a bad parent because you are not patient”. 

Shame Becomes A Motivator For Change

The second problem with shame is that it becomes one of your primary motivators for changing yourself. People who aren’t patient as a parent try to make themselves more patient by beating themselves up with shaming language like discussed above. They are hard on themselves and think that that will help them be better. But, simply put, it won’t. I just does damage to you emotionally. 

Solution: Let guilt be a motivator for change – or better yet, love. Guilt is ok. It helps us stay on track and self correct. Guilt would say, “I made a mistake, and I’m still a good person”. OUr self-worth doesn’t change. So, embrace guilt. If you make a mistake, let yourself feel guilty (and still believe that you are a good person) and try to make it right. Learn how to do things better. Loving yourself in this way can be a great motivator of changing you. IT can also be a powerful motivator in your relationship with your spouse (Related Article: Resentment and Negative Sentiment Override in Couples Therapy).

Shame Becomes Habitual

This is one of the dangers of shame – that it becomes habitual. This is often the case because we do not recognize that it’s actually happening. We think that it’s healthy to be hard on ourselves (or on others). If you can see it, you can change it. If you can’t see it, you can’t change it. So, work on seeing how you shame ourselves so that you can do something better. 

Solution: Watch for shaming language such as ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ or ‘supposed to’ or ‘not supposed to’. This language is often shaming. Replace should with ‘I want to’. FOr example, if you find yourself saying, ‘I should be a more patient parent’ change it to ‘I want to be a more patient parent’. Those feel different as you say them, right? If you say, “I shouldn’t yell at the kids” change that to “I don’t want to yell at the kids”. The latter in these examples allows for self-love instead of being shameful, critical or harsh (take a look at John Gottman’s work on self-love and letting go of contempt). 

Let a therapist help you recognize shame and replace it with guilt or self-love. 

We have offices in South Jordan, Orem and Spanish Fork Utah for individual, couples and family counseling. 

Written by Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT