Marriage Therapy: Building Connection With Your Spouse

If you are thinking about starting marriage therapy, you might feel like it will take a miracle to fix things in your relationship. You might worry that improving your marriage will require major changes and adjustments that feel unrealistic and unattainable.

Your experiences in marriage therapy and your commitment will create big change. But, there is good news: those big changes happen in the small things. Today, you will learn about how the small things add up when it comes to reconnecting with your spouse and improving your marriage. Then, you will learn how to begin marriage therapy and get started.

The Ingredients for Connection

You might feel like love and connection are abstract and mysterious. This is probably especially relatable if you didn’t see very many happy relationships around you growing up. You may have seen movies and read books about happy marriages, but finding that in your own life feels very far away. 

Plus, how do you even build a connection with your spouse in the first place? What brought you together in the first place and what can keep you together now? Let’s talk about it. 

The Hellos and Goodbyes

I’ve heard it said that attachment in our relationships is made up of hellos and goodbyes. Let me explain. Imagine you are coming home from a long trip. You carry your bags up to the door and when you open it, your adorable golden retriever comes running towards you and into your arms. You can probably feel the love and comfort just reading that! I know I can. These consistent positive interactions with your dog make it so that your dog gets excited to see you before you’re even home, and you look forward to reuniting with your dog with anticipation. 

The same types of hellos and goodbyes help to create our attachment to our human loved ones, too. Those little daily rituals with your spouse, like the way you say hello and goodbye to each other, add up. Each time you engage each other in a positive way, especially if you are consistent about it, makes a difference. And these not-so-small things are what created your bond in the first place. (Related article: Building Trust in Marriage). 

When your relationship was brand new, you probably felt so much excitement and anticipation after separating from each other, even temporarily, because you looked forward to being reunited. And in the beginning of a relationship, a lot of these things probably came more naturally as well. With time, stress, and hurtful situations and challenges, these small meaningful interactions often become overlooked or are done away with altogether. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to stay that way. (Related article: Getting “Un-Stuck” in Marriage Counseling). 

It’s the Little Things

Sometimes, the first step in creating long-lasting change that sticks is to change some of the smaller steps that are closer within your reach. The idea of being able to open up and be vulnerable with each other might feel far off and almost unattainable right now. But a small change for the better in how you greet and say goodbye to each other is a lot more realistic and can be more sustainable, for now. (Related article: Appreciation Rituals)

Here are some other “small step” ideas that you might try with your spouse to improve your connection:

-Create a special couple’s morning getting ready or night time bedtime routine to share together. 

-Try out a new weekend tradition that you can share during your time off. 

-Start occasionally checking in with your spouse during the day via text to stay connected while you are apart.

These are just a few of many, many small and simple ideas that you and your spouse can try. (Related article: Become Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged in Couples Therapy). The good news is that as these small interactions build up, you might start to notice that other small, positive changes become more and more possible. And, with the help of marriage therapy, even bigger aspirations for your marriage can be possible, too. 

Marriage Therapy Helps You Connect the Dots

Marriage therapy can help you and your spouse connect the dots and “make the jump” from these small, intentional efforts to improve your daily relationship to bigger, lasting changes in your relationship. An improved, loving, and emotionally safe relation is very possible, and marriage counseling can help. Get started in marriage therapy today in Orem, South Jordan, or Spanish Fork, or via Telehealth for anyone in Utah.

Written by Lauren Adkins