Counseling Debunks Marriage Myths: “Sexual Compatibility Comes Naturally”

Maybe you and your spouse are struggling with your sex life, so you seek marriage counseling. You may be used to overhearing ideas about relationships and sex, like “if a couple doesn’t have ‘chemistry’ then they can’t last”. Or “you can’t learn sexual compatibility- you either have it or you don’t!”. If that’s true, then are problems with sex in your marriage something that can be fixed? (Related article: Marriage Problems- Sex). 

Today, you will learn why good sex in marriage takes work… but that’s a good thing! You will also learn what you can do to improve your own sex life with your partner. 

Myth: Good Sex Just “Happens”

You’ve probably heard this one about relationships generally, too. People say that chemistry between two people just “happens” if it’s meant to be. And if it’s not there, there’s no way to create that connection. 

Luckily, that is not true! Sure, some people definitely have great sexual connection and chemistry- that’s true. However, like good relationships, good sex generally takes effort and work from both partners. (Related Article: Building Emotional Intimacy). So, don’t panic if you and your partner still seem to be figuring out how to have a good sex life. You can create the sex life you want through consistent intentional effort. 

The Ingredients of Good Sex

It’s great and all to hear that a good sex life is possible. But how exactly can you create it for yourself? John Gottman, a marriage and relationship researcher, created a list of things that most couples with a good sex life do to create better intimacy in their relationship. (Source). 

Here are just a few of the things that couples with good sex lives do to encourage a positive intimate relationship, based on Gottman’s research (Source):

• These couples say “I love you” every day and mean it. And they find reasons to show that affection. They’ll be proactively physically affectionate with each other. These couples also spend time cuddling and being physically close.
• They surprise each other with thoughtful, romantic gifts and prioritize date nights together. 
• When they are together, make an effort to make things fun.
• In their relationship, sex is a priority, not just a to-do list item.
• Their friendship is as strong as their relationship, and they work together to be genuine friends to each other.
• Sex is something they discuss openly and comfortably together.
• They are mindful about turning to each other for connection and support. 

That’s a pretty big list, and it only covers some of the items Gottman mentions. But, don’t feel too overwhelmed! The good news is that you don’t have to do every item on this list perfectly all the time. You might notice that many of these items go hand-in-hand. (Related Article: Couples Therapy). For example, you can start by prioritizing date nights. Then, make a proactive effort to hold hands. Small, consistent efforts pay off with better connection in your relationship. 

Want to Create a Better Sex Life? Marriage Counseling Is A Great Place to Start

What if you are reading this article and you want to make these positive changes in your marriage, you just don’t know where to start? Marriage counseling can give you the guidance you need to improve your connection with your partner. A therapist can help you learn how to communicate and connect. And they’ll show you how to create the relationship (and sex life) you want. Are you ready to get started? Start marriage counseling today in Orem, South Jordan, or Spanish Fork. 

Written by Lauren Adkins