Marriage Counseling: What It Is And What It Isn’t

When coming to marriage counseling, it’s important to know what to expect and what not to expect. After doing marriage counseling for over 2 decades, I’ve noticed a few things that I can share to help you understand. 

Marriage Counseling Is A Place To Talk

First, marriage counseling, simply put, is a place to talk about what is happening in your relationship. It’s crucial to know and do this. Talking about your problems is something you struggle with. A good marriage therapist can help you talk with your partner in the right way. That’s the goal. That is the main purpose of coming into therapy. There are several research-based marriage counseling approaches that can aid in this process. Such as, Emotionally Focused Therapy and the John Gottman Method (Related Article: Couples Therapy In Utah).

Marriage Counseling Is Not A Place To Fight

Second, no surprise here, marriage counseling is not a place to fight. At least how you used to fight. A good marriage therapist in Utah is going to help you talk through your problems in a healthy manner and not let you fight about it. You have developed unhealthy ways of trying to solve problems. Now it’s time to address these problems in a healthy manner. In therapy you will learn now to share emotions rather than be the boss or expert on your partner (Related Article: How To Communicate Effectively: Avoid These Two Communication Problems). 

Expect To Share Emotions

Third, it is important to develop the skills to share emotions with your partner. There are several steps in doing this (Related Article: Emotions 101 and 3 Principles of Emotional Health). First, recognize what you feel. Second, feel it. Third, cope with or let that emotion go. Believe it or not, this process is very difficult and foreign to many people. In therapy, you will learn how to do these three steps. It will help you get close to your partner if you are able to learn how to be vulnerable in this way. 

Expect To Hold Space For Your Partner

Fourth, holding space for your partner means that you allow them to feel, talk about and explore their feelings (Related Article: Hold Emotional Space For Your Spouse). Some people try to make it about them when their partner is trying to talk about their emotions. It can feel counterintuitive to open up space for your partner when they are sharing about something uncomfortable. Most people want to help their partner not feel or get over those uncomfortable feelings. However, when you do this you dismiss and invalidate them. A good marriage and family therapist will help you hold space, even when it’s uncomfortable for you and your partner. They often do this through a marriage approach called EFT. 

Expect To Not Be Comfortable

Fifth, counseling is uncomfortable (Related Article: What To Expect In Marriage Counseling). It’s like going to the gym. You have to work hard and that often comes with pain. Hopefully you are working hard in the right way. At the gym, you don’t get strong by grabbing a big weight and dropping it on your head. Certainly, you can’t say at that point, “Well, I think I am getting stronger because this really hurts”. You have to use weights in a healthy and safe manner if you expect to get stronger. It’s the same in counseling. You can’t expect to get stronger in your relationship if you keep fighting the way you did. Or, if you avoid uncomfortable topics all together. You have to lift emotional weights in a healthy manner if you want to get stronger together. 

Start Marriage Counseling This Week

If you haven’t scheduled an appointment with a therapist yet, contact us today to review marriage therapists and appointment options and find the best fit for you. Start marriage counseling in Orem, South Jordan, or Spanish Fork, or via Telehealth for anyone in Utah.

Written By Dr Triston Morgan, LMFTT