Individual Therapy: More About Goals

In our recent blog post, you read about two common mistakes you might make when trying to set goals and how individual therapy can help you set more effective goals. 

Today, you will learn more about common mistakes people make that could prevent you from achieving your goals. You will also learn how individual therapy can help you re-assess your goals to make them more achievable. Then, you will learn how to find a therapist and get started in counseling.

When Your Thoughts Get in the Way of Your Goals

As a therapist, I often notice how my client’s thoughts tend to make things complicated when it comes to setting and achieving goals. Maybe you can relate. For instance, maybe you begin individual therapy because you want to work on making more friends. And maybe you’ve tried this goal before… but it didn’t work out. You wanted more friends, but your thoughts started getting in the way. You set smaller, more realistic goals (like we talked about in our last article) to go to more social events and to join a hobby club for an activity you enjoy. 

But, on the day of the social events, you start to have negative thoughts about yourself. You start to think things like “nobody wants to talk to me anyway”. Or, “people don’t want to be my friend”. Or even, “there is nobody out there who could be a good friend to me. I shouldn’t try”. You get lost in these negative thoughts about yourself and begin to feel stuck and conflicted. In the end, you decide that you won’t go to the social events at all, and your goals remain unmet. (Related Article: Three Principles of Emotional Health). 

Getting Un-Stuck from Sticky Thoughts

So, what can you do when these negative, frustrating, or discouraging thoughts get in the way of your goals? You could describe this experience as “fusion”: you are fused to a difficult thought and it is hard to “see around it” and move forward. One way to confront this problem is to try defusing from the thought. And a good first step to defusion is acknowledgement. (Related Article: How to Improve Your Self Esteem Through Self-Talk). 

Think of it this way. In a scary movie, you probably feel more nervous and apprehensive about the monster of the story when you can’t quite see it. You might hear it, you might even catch glimpses of it. But part of the fear and anticipation is not being able to look at the monster head-on. But, if you were to turn on all of the lights and look at it clearly from the beginning of the story, it probably wouldn’t feel nearly as scary. 

The same goes for your difficult thoughts that prevent you from moving forward towards your goals. For example, you can say “I am having the thought that nobody wants to talk to me and now I am feeling nervous”. Once you’ve acknowledged the thought and have brought it “into the light”, it might be easier to collect your thoughts and act in a way that is aligned with your goals. 

Losing Touch with Your Values

Another common struggle I’ve witnessed in the goal setting process is losing touch with values. Values are the things that are important to you that guide your actions. For example, you might value connection. If so, you are motivated to pursue experiences that connect you with the people around you. Good goals are value driven. In other words, the best goals will just feel right because they move you towards the ideal life you want to live. (Related article: What are your values?).

You can have goals that are good and seem like something you should want, but if those goals don’t align with your values, then you probably won’t feel very motivated to pursue them. For instance, you might set a goal that you want to get up early and exercise every day. And that’s a great goal! But, as you get up early in the morning to go exercise, you miss out on saying goodbye to your kids and spouse before they leave for school and work. After a few days, you find that it is hard to get out of bed for the gym. You become discouraged and feel like you have failed. 

See the problem? If one of your values is connection, then setting a goal that interferes with your connection with your loved ones will probably feel hollow and unsatisfying. This will be the case no matter how good the goal looks on paper. And, going along with that same example, sometimes the solution might be found in some slight adjustments that are better aligned with your values. In this example, you might adjust your workout routine so that you work out with your spouse. Or maybe you go to the gym when nobody else is home, so that you can be back in time for quality time with the kids. 

As you work to realign your goals with your values, you might find that you feel more motivated and driven to achieve them and that the results feel more satisfying, too.

Individual Therapy Can Help You Set and Meet Goals

If all of this feels overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to do this alone. Individual therapy can be a great place for you to learn more about not just your goals. And also about your values and the things that are important to you. 

Contact us today to begin Individual Therapy in Orem, South Jordan, Spanish Fork, or via Telehealth anywhere in Utah.

Written By Lauren Adkins, LAMFT