Individual Counseling: How Do I Find “The One”?

Did you know that you can get relationship advice in individual counseling? (Related article: Therapy).If you are single, casually dating, or trying to commit to your current relationship, you might feel nervous about finding “the one”. You have probably heard many messages from friends, family, and even tv and movies about how there is someone out there who is the perfect partner for you.

But is that how compatibility really works? How can you know if you have found “the one”? And how do you know if you and your partner are a good match? Today, you will learn how you can know if you will find success in your relationship.

Understanding Compatibility

If you have ever had an online dating profile, then you have seen the buzz about compatibility. You have probably heard people complain about incompatibility with their current or potential partners. Or maybe you have seen a thriving couple and thought to yourself, “wow, they must be so compatible!”. On the surface, it seems like your top priority should be to understand your own personality and find a partner that just “fits” you. 

But, is compatibility really the name of the game? Surprisingly, research shows that compatibility is not as central to successful relationships as you might think. (Related article: Marriage Counseling Myths- “You Complete Me”). In fact, it is really tough to pin down the actual science of personality compatibility. And why is that? Our perception of compatibility actually depends a lot on how well things are going in the relationship itself. 

Communication Predicts the Quality of Your Relationship

Let’s talk about what that means. Dr. Ted Huston, a relationship researcher at the University of Texas, conducted a study of couples in long-term marriage relationships. He was surprised to find that couples who said they were content in their relationship also said they were very compatible with their partner. However, couples who said they experienced many problems or struggled to get along did not feel they were compatible. (Source: The connubial crucible: Newlywed years as predictors of marital delight, distress, and divorce.)

In fact, in another study, they learned that the way you handle conflict and crisis with your partner early on can give you a glimpse into the future quality of your relationship. (Source: What’s Love Got to Do With It? Why Some Marriages Succeed and Others Fail). So, if you are good at handling conflicts and communicating when you are still dating, engaged, or newlyweds, then you are more likely to be happily married later down the line. (Related Article: What is Emotional Safety in a Relationship?). And, if you are happy in your relationship, you will probably also feel a greater sense of compatibility with your partner.

What That Means For Your Dating Life

So, here’s the good news. You probably don’t need those fancy personality tests and compatibility surveys to find a great relationship! There is not a magical algorithm or dating app that will guarantee your happiness in a relationship. Thankfully, there isn’t just one specific type of person that will be “the only one” for you. (Related article: Counseling- About Marriage and Family Therapists).

But what can you do to help encourage success in your relationship? Dr. John Gottman’s relationship research can help. He found that successful couples tended to have a few important things in common. One theme he noticed was that these couples dedicated themselves to creating a meaningful life together. In other words, you don’t need to have the perfect compatibility for your relationship to find happiness. Instead, focusing your energy towards creating shared happiness and common goals with your partner is a more productive approach. 

Individual Counseling Can Help

Individual counseling can be a great tool when it comes to understanding relationships. If you are engaged, in a new relationship, just dating around, or anywhere in between, a therapist can help you navigate your unique life challenges. Ready to get started? Schedule individual counseling today in Orem, South Jordan, or Spanish Fork.

Written by Lauren Adkins