Creating a Shared Vision in Marriage Counseling

You will work on a lot of different skills and goals during marriage counseling. And most of those goals revolve around creating a shared vision. Now, if you are currently struggling in your marriage and feel like you just can’t see eye-to-eye, this may seem like an unattainable goal. However, building a shared vision isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. And you can take that journey step-by-step. 

Today, you will learn about some ways that you can work to create a shared vision as a couple in marriage counseling. 

Getting Connected

If you are struggling to communicate with your spouse, you might feel like you are living in separate universes. Maybe you feel like your partner doesn’t “get” you. Or you might feel like you can’t ever seem to find the right words to express your feelings and needs to your spouse.

No matter your individual circumstances, there is a common thread: communication issues in marriage can feel lonely and stifling. And so much of what you will do in couples therapy revolves around reconnecting and realigning so that, even when there are misunderstandings or disagreements, you can find ways to be flexible and adapt as a couple.

Creating a Shared Vision Takes Time

Like most good things in life, creating a shared vision in your marriage will take time and consistency. And creating a shared vision isn’t about always agreeing on everything. In fact, it’s normal and expected that you will disagree on most things, even after marriage counseling! John Gottman, a marriage researcher, found that most marriage problems are perpetual and will never actually be “solved” (Source). 

Now, you might be reading that statistic and feel nervous or hopeless. But what if I told you that isn’t a bad thing? Just because a problem isn’t “solved” does not mean that you are not finding opportunities to connect and learn from each other along the way. And when it comes to marital conflict and marriage counseling, it’s not about getting to a point where you and your spouse never fight and completely agree on everything. It’s about how you recover from the inevitable bumps in the road and challenges along the way. 

Being Curious

Your ability to work through your disagreements and understand each other’s perspectives can make all the difference. The process of developing the skills you’ll need to do that as a couple is gradual. It will happen as you try new, small steps consistently. (Related article: The Empathetic Partner)

Here is something to try the next time you and your spouse just can’t seem to see eye to eye on a disagreement. When you start to notice that you feel defensive or apprehensive about your spouse’s perspective, try pausing and getting curious. You don’t have to agree or switch to their “side”. Rather, ask questions and try to deepen your understanding of their point of view. (Related article: Holding Emotional Space for Your Spouse). This might seem like a small step. However, as you try to shift from defending your team to being curious about your spouse’s perspective, you may notice a change in how they view your perspective, too. So much of the change that happens in and out of the marriage counseling room is not about huge, earth shattering insights. Its about small, incremental changes that last. (Related article: Creating Emotional Safety) 

Marriage Counseling Can Help

If you are looking for more unity and teamwork in your relationship, marriage counseling can help. A couples therapist can help you and your partner learn the tools to become more curious and open minded, and find creative ways to create more of a shared vision together. Ready to begin? Start marriage counseling in Orem, South Jordan, or Spanish Fork, or via Telehealth for anyone in Utah.

Written by Lauren Adkins