Couples Therapy: Why Conflict Can be a Good Thing

You probably feel like conflict and communication issues are what go you into couples therapy in the first place. And that makes sense! Conflict is stressful and exhausting, and if you don’t have the tools to navigate conflict in a healthy way, it can be painful and even destructive to your relationship.

But, should your goal be to eliminate conflict all together? Does conflict serve a purpose in your relationship? Today, you will learn about why conflict can actually be a good thing in relationships. Then, you will learn how couples therapy can help you have healthier arguments in your marriage.

Conflict Is Always There

I wish I could tell you that healthy couples never argue. That would definitely be nice! Part of participating in a relationship with another human being is conflict. The fact that you argue isn’t the issue, but how you argue can be (see John Gottman’s research). Now, obviously excessive conflict or hurtful conflict can be destructive and disruptive, and can make it harder to grow closer to your spouse and build trust. But, conflict isn’t always a bad guy in your relationship. (Related article: Signs that you Need Couples Therapy).

Think of it this way: if a couple comes into my office for counseling and they are emotionally disconnected from each other and barely speak, it’s going to be very difficult to get things moving in our sessions! Couples who argue in session actually give me more information to work with. 

And, in addition to that, when couples tell me they have conflict or they argue in front of me in session, I don’t see two people upset with each other. Instead, I see a relationship with a pulse. Conflict can be an indicator that there is a spark and a desire to keep the relationship alive. Conflict is a heartbeat. 

This is especially true if you are pursuing couples therapy. If you didn’t care, even just a little bit, about your marriage and your partner, you might not even be reading this blog post, much less showing up to weekly couples therapy sessions. 

Turning Conflict into a Beating Heart

So, how do you ensure that your communication with your partner is at least a little productive? One way to keep things focused in arguments is to approach difficult discussions with compassion, both for yourself and for your partner. Now, notice I didn’t say patience or quietness or avoidance. It’s normal and expected that you will still argue back and forth a little bit about difficult topics and challenges in your partnership. 

Keeping a little bit of compassion for your partner’s experience and some compassion for yourself can help to ensure that you and your partner are still turned towards each other, even when you disagree and experience conflict. (Related article: Creating a Shared Vision)

Couples Therapy Can Help

If you are reading this and going “how on earth could our fighting be productive?” or “where do we even begin?”, know that you are not alone. Relationships are complicated and wonderful, and it’s okay to need some help along the way. That’s where couples counseling can help you process the subject matter of your disagreements and your emotional experience. Additionally, a therapist can help you see the positive side of your marriage and the things you are doing right: including some of the conflict. 

Ready to begin? Start couples therapy in Orem, South Jordan, or Spanish Fork, or via Telehealth for anyone in Utah.

Written by Lauren Adkins, LAMFT