Couples Therapy: Dreams within Conflict

If you are seeking couples therapy, you might feel stuck in a constant loop of conflict with your partner. You may argue about the same things over and over. Or maybe you feel like you are having the same kind of argument about different topics. Either way, the point is that you feel stuck and you aren’t sure where to go next.

That’s where couples therapy can help. Today, you will learn about why marriage counseling can help you see conflict differently. Then, you will learn how seeing each other’s dreams within your marital conflicts can help you come closer as a couple. You will also learn how to begin couples therapy, too. 

Couples Therapy: Identifying Dreams

You might feel like things are at the point where you and your partner are just fighting to fight. You might lose track of arguments or forget what you were arguing about in the first place. And the more you fight the harder things seem to get. Then, you might feel like you have drifted apart as a couple (Related Article: Couples Therapy For Empty Nesters). 

John Gottman, a marriage and relationship expert and researcher, suggests that within every conflict in a relationship, there is a hidden dream (Source: The Gottman Institute). You and your partner each have values and needs that point to a dream or vision you have for your life. These dreams are relevant and important. Your dreams motivate you to act and to set goals in your life. However, when emotions and conflict complicate things, it can be easy to lose sight of your partner’s dream among the conflicts. In fact, you might even lose track of your own dream in the process.

Rediscovering Each Other’s Dreams

So, how do you regroup and learn to identify each other’s dreams? Improving your listening abilities can be a great first step. When you and your partner are arguing, you may experience big feelings that are overwhelming and become confusing. And when emotions show up, you might notice that you become more defensive of your position because your dream is important to you. (Related Article: The Gottman Institute- Supporting Each Other’s Dreams).

If your partner isn’t seeing and validating your dream, it makes sense that you feel concerned and defensive. And your partner is likely feeling the same way. But here’s something new to try: instead of listening to persuade and think of the best possible comeback, try to listen simply to understand (Related Article: Hold Emotional Space For Your Spouse). 

Asking the Right Questions

When it comes to listening to understand, you can start by practicing asking each other effective questions to work to expand your understanding of your partner’s world. Here are some ideas of questions that can help you further understand your partner’s position:

Can you tell me why this is so important to you?

What do you need?

Is there a deeper purpose or goal you have in mind for us?

Does this relate to one of your broader beliefs or values?

As you work to ask open-ended questions and sincerely listen to learn more about your partner’s dream, you may find that you are becoming less defensive and are more open to working with your partner to help them accomplish their dreams. And, in turn, your partner can feel more equipped to help you with your dreams, too (Related Article: Couples Therapy: How To Offer Support When Your Spouse Is Depressed). 

Learn to Identify and Understand Each Other’s Dreams in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a place where you can work with a qualified and experienced counselor to learn how to identify and understand each other’s dreams. Ready to get started? Begin marriage counseling in Orem, South Jordan, or Spanish Fork, or via Telehealth for anyone in Utah.

Written by Lauren Adkins