Buildling Trust In A Marriage Relationship – Couples Counseling

Let’s talk about how to build trust in your marriage relationship. After working with couples in Utah Valley for over 2 decades, I’ve noticed a few themes regarding trust in relationships. I’ll discuss them here and how to apply them with your partner (Related Article: Marriage Counseling: How To Build Trust). 

Trust Is Different Than Respect

One of my friends recently told me that respect isn’t something that needs to be earned. I agree. Respect is something that inherently you are entitled to as a fellow human being. You deserve respect as someone living on this earth and you don’t have to earn that from others. Trust, on the other hand, is something that is earned. The more you are trustworthy, the more you build trust. If you do what you say you will do, you earn trust. It’s that simple. Hopefully that something you are doing is healthy, but you need to follow through. 

For example, if you say you will plan your son’s birthday party and actually plan it, then you build trust with your partner. However, if you don’t plan it, you don’t build trust. You still deserve respect, but didn’t build trust. When your partner share’s with you how your lack of follow through hurt them, they still need to do that in a respectful manner (Related Article: How To Communicate Better Through Boundaries). But they don’t have to trust you. 

Trust In A Marriage Needs To Be Built On Being Healthy

It seems like it goes without saying, but building trust includes doing what is healthy. You can’t tell your partner that you are going to do something unhealthy, do that unhealthy thing, and then expect trust. For example, if you tell your partner, “If you do that again, then I am just going to buy whatever I want with my paycheck”. If you end up using your paycheck in an unhealthy manner, you don’t build trust because it wasn’t healthy to do in the first place. On the contrary, You need to follow through with being healthy.

Trust Has To Do With More Than Just How You Treat Your Partner

How you treat your partner in marriage is important when building trust. How you treat others also builds trust with your partner. If you are mean and disrespectful to others, your partner will see this and feel more unsafe in their relationship with you. What’s to say, they might think, that you won’t treat them this way too? It’s important to treat others the way you also respect your spouse. This create emotional safety in a way that can last (Related Article: Secure Attachment And Emotional Safety In Couples Therapy and What Is Emotional Safety In A Relationship?). See Susan Johnson’s work. 

Trust Needs To Be Constantly Worked On

Just because you were trustworthy in one aspect, doesn’t mean you are trustworthy in all aspects of your relationship. I’ve heard from couples in my practice, “Why don’t you trust me, I’ve never lied to you”. That might be true, maybe you haven’t lied, but it isn’t enough. You have to also do things that are trustworthy and do them again and again. Not just not lie. Actually doing things that allow them to trust you help. 

Trust Is More Than Just A Confession – It Includes Action

So many times I have heard a husband who has cheated on his wife tell his wife in therapy, “I already told you everything. Why don’t you trust me?” A simple confession in this manner isn’t enough for trust to be built. You need to go beyond just sharing information, you then need to follow through with healthy living, reconciliation and relationship building. 

Start building more trust by working with a marriage counselor in Spanish Fork, Orem or South Jordan. We also do telehealth appointments for residents of Utah. 

Written by Dr. Triston Morgan, LMFT