Additive vs Subtractive Goals – Counseling

In counseling, we teach couples, individuals and families, here in Utah, to point themselves where they want to go. This can be difficult when talking about something that is painful for you or that you want to let go of. Let’s talk about what this means.

Difference Between Additive and Subtractive Goals

When making goals, you want to point yourself where you want to end up. Additive goals help you to do this. Talk about what you want to do rather than what you don’t want to do. An additive goal is simply a goal that indicates what you want to add in your life. 

For example, an additive goal in therapy could be to listen and try to understand my kids when they are upset. This is additive because you are adding listening and understanding your children to what you are doing. This is something that when you measure it, you will know if you achieved this because of what you actually did. 

However, a subtractive goal focuses on what you don’t want to do. What you want to take out of your life. A subtractive goal is simply a goal that indicates what you want to subtract from your life. 

For example, you might make a goal to stop yelling at the kids so much. This is a subtractive goal because it measures what you will be taking out of your life. You might stop yelling at the kids as much, but what takes its place? Just because you stop yelling as much doesn’t mean you actually have replaced it with something healthy. And, you never really know when you have achieved this goal because you could always end up doing it again at some point. 

Here are some examples of additive and subtractive goals that clients have presented in therapy. 

Examples of Subtractive Goals

• Stop using pornography
• Never drink again
• Get over my ex-spouse
• Stop being so mean to my kids

Examples of Additive Goals

• Cope with disappointment through opening up to my partner
• Learn to recognize, feel and cope with my emotions (Related Article: Emotions 101)
• Integrate the fearful parts of me into the rest of my life
• Learn to advocate for myself at work

Case Example From Counseling

It’s important to know the difference between additive and subtractive goals so that you can spend your time working on something that will move you forward. I often have clients tell me, ‘My goal is to not use pornography’. I tell them that this isn’t a good goal. Sometimes they are confused and ask ‘Why?’. I ask them – if you stop using pornography, what will you be doing instead? The problem is that many people replace one bad habit with another. Alcoholics often stop using alcohol and end up smoking and drinking coffee too much at their AA meetings.

So, I tell my counseling clients to talk about what you want to be doing instead of using pornography. Such as recognizing, feeling and coping with their emotions. When you increase your emotional capacity through doing  these three things, a bi-product is often healthier living – less or no pornography (Related Article: Build Your Emotional Capacity). 

Part of the problem with having a goal, such as ‘stop using pornogrphy’, is that you only reward yourself for not doing something. This lends itself to a polarized approach to improvement. You are either doing well – if you are not using (even if you are doing other unhealthy things) or you are not doing well if you used pornography (even if you are doing more healthy things) (Related Article: Pornography Use Is An Avoidance Issue, Not A Sex Issue). 

Start counseling today and talk to a counselor about how to change your goals to additive. Move towards what you want to be doing instead of what you don’t want to be doing. 

At the Center for Couples and Families we provide counseling in South Jordan, Orem and Spanish Fork – as well as online for all Utah residents. 

Written by Dr Triston Morgan, LMFT